Respect

"You dis-in' me?"

Suppose your family is poor, you live in a small substandard inner city apartment with several brothers and sisters, you belong to an ethnic or racial group that is not highly valued in America, school doesn't provide much hope because you feel that you don't understand the relevance of what you are expected to learn.  

When nothing makes sense you question what you are told by the authorities

Home sweet home ... to many

Your major support group is a group of your friends ‘on the street’.  This is a fair description of many young people in America today. 

If you are one of these kids the thing that you long for most is some real human affirmation – some message from somewhere that you have worth – that you are a worthy human being.  In the language of the street this person wants “respect”. 

Suppose your kids found folks like this just ourside your front door

But how do you get respect?  Given your history and your present expectations – respect for many is gained by being stronger, bigger, meaner, ‘badder’, more aggressive, ‘street smarter’, willing to take the biggest risks, richer by whatever means (legality doesn't matter).

Inner-city environment

And the worst thing for this kid is to be “dised” (disrespected) … anything that diminishes his or her sense of value or worth…   He or she is disrespected by an insult (“Your mama is …”), making you look like trash in front of ‘your group’, the teacher humiliating you in the classroom, a shopkeeper who treats you with contempt, and a policeman who challenges you for no good reason…

Be watchful for disrespect - then respond promptly

After years of living with ‘this stuff’ many people become bitter and hyper-sensitive to being disrespected – it becomes like a hair trigger… If someone in the next car looks at you with ‘the look” of “I’m better than you” this is seen as a serious “dis”.  Add weapons to this mix and it sets up a deadly formula for disaster. Strong police response does not promote respect - it causes the rage to grow more intense.

Graffiti depicting a dead person

One of the curious things is that kids within a group, who all feel this way toward the world often playfully, challenge each other with the kind of insults that they all find so painful.  It's a kind of response that relieves their tension and also in a way inoculates them to keep going.  When a trusted friend tells the kid that “ Your mama is so fat that…” kind of joke – the response is a bigger worse insult … What they are really doing is to recognize that this is part of the world that they both share, and they are there to support each other. It’s cynical but healing. (usually) It can also go beyond playful to hurtful, anger, and violent confrontation… In the language of the street this is called “playing the dozens”. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dozens

Adapting to inner city life; " Concrete Roses"

But what about white middle class Americans – how do we deal with respect and disrespect?  We have out antennas up and out for responses from others, we know what it feels like when we hear from others that what we have done is acceptable to our peers.  Facebook is full of people seeking a positive affirmation from others in our “hive of humanity”.  I seek respect in different ways than the kid in the street – I seek to be smarter, more creative, and effective at contributing to my society, funny, supportive, more adventurious … I have found that these things are valued among people that make up my world.  If I lived in Romania or Swaziland what is valued would be different. 

Common attitude of many who life close to the street

What kinds of things cause me to feel disrespected?  When I attempt something and I fail, it makes me feel like I have “egg on my face”… I want to ‘kick myself” when I get unjustly angry with someone and say things I regret.  When I try to communicate with someone with whom I cannot connect – when we have irreconcilable differences – I know that I have no respect in that persons eyes. 

It  feels good to know that you share respect with a person

My response to the feeling of disrespect is different than the response of the kid on the street.  I have more resources and I have more sense that it is a possibility that I can get things back on an ‘even keel’...I know that my culture generally finds people like me worthy.  I have experienced that I can learn from my errors and try again to create a situation that leads to a better solution.

Where respect begins

I can realize when I was wrong and try to reconnect with the person I wronged.  I can do this because I have learned that it works.  I can accept that I can’t solve all differences and that life still goes on.  I may even contact the person with whom I disagree and ‘agree that we can disagree and still be friends'.  I realize that I can take responsibility in a bad situation and think outside of the box, insisting on "my way" or seeking revenge to satisfy my ego.

Wisdom of Cesar Chavez

These are learned skills  - I don't know where I learned them, but when I am in an painful situation, I know that the only way out is to approach it in a different way –  setting aside my selfish desires.

Do I actually do this? – sometimes – Do I sometimes wallow in my own sense of hurt and wish for revenge?… there are times…

But perhaps this is part of the universal human condition… we do the best we can with the skills and expectations we have.

Change happens!

   
My world became (temporarily) smaller this week.  One week since my surgery and my instructions are to keep my ankle higher than my heart – that's hard to do unless I lie in bed or on a couch.  Pain has not been a big issue, and my biggest problem is boredom.  My wife Judy is an angel; anticipating my needs and doing her best to make sure I don't do something stupid to sabotage my healing ankle.  

Diagram of my Peroneal tendons; one damaged, now fused together 

          I prefer the couch where I can see the garden, birds, sunlight, wind, and butterflies on the bodea bushes.  Our three Jack Russell dogs are very solicitous – they do their best to entertain me with their shenanigans.  I have a kneeling scooter that is awesome – way cooler than crutches – on that I can glide effortlessly down the hall and reach any part of the house in seconds… it has come close to dumping me a couple of times – so I am doing my best to be cautious when I use it. My biggest challenge is the stepdown between the level of the kitchen and the family room – 2 steps down.  I have tried different methods and don't feel totally secure with any of them –

Butterfly bush (Bodea) with Monarch

I have grown incredibly sensitive to the issue of ‘handicap accessibility’.   Two steps can feel like an insurmountable wall. I am hopeful that in one more week, when I see my surgeon again, I will graduate to a hard shell cast….but even then I don't think it will be weight bearing.  So for now – I am thankful for electronics – for my computer, for e- readers, for TV.

Jack Russel dogs vary greatly in coloration and personality - known as 'high energy' dogs

I finished the 1000 page history of Peter the Great (that I have been working on for about 3 weeks) and am now reading an outstanding book of historic fiction - about the period in American history between 1958 to 2000… Its book 3 of the Century Trilogy: ‘Edge of Eternity’… It's a bit bizarre to read a book based on the history of my lifetime – It focuses on 4 families, one each in Russia – Germany – England – and the US  during these tumultuous years.

Our 'Lesser Goldfinches" in my hardwear store I bought a sack like this filled with their favorite seed

Today’s mail included an 85+ page State voters guide for the up coming election.  It is a lesson in the blessings and hazards of a free election…My current book, ‘Edge of Eternity’, includes a vivid description of life under the dictatorial one party rule in Communist Russia – where the whim of one man could lead to life or death, and the country stagnated in a doctrinaire malaise.  In the California voter book each candidate has space to freely describe why he or shewould be the best to lead the state…

This is it - the day of decision

Carefully selected words are written by the election staff of each candidate to present them in the best light to win over the undecided.  Even more interesting are the propositions – I fear that lobby groups and special interest groups have hired skilled staff to describe their plan, to win support for their issue, or present the best list of arguments pro or con to support their concept; and gather the most compelling list of supporters.  

Add caption

My concern is that many California citizens do not have time or inclination to digest this massive amount of data – they will fall back on “how their friend is voting” or “which TV ads are most appealing” or “I got this pamphlet in the mail listing my parties choices” or will “fall for a catch phrase in the language of the pamphlet” – without understanding the full nuance of the issues they are voting on.  The entire process has become ‘slick’ with each side setting the ‘spin’ on their cause… it is a challenge to know the truth. 

Free Tacos - just for voting!?  what  A DEAL

Enter the heroine…! I find that the clearest voice in the midst of all the potential for confusion is the good old “League of Women Voters”  - they offer a non partisan simplified description of issues and candidates here: http://www.smartvoter.org.  They provide  a much needed breath of fresh air!  Some years ago when they opened their ranks to men  – I joined – and am now a card carrying member!

Thoughtful decisions

So for another week I lounge away - watching goldfinches at the feeder out the back window, Rusty (one of the pups) comes over demanding pets, Judy brings me a snack… I get cool emails from friends and family…  I am getting computer work caught up ...I have a lot to be thankful for…and all the while I am growing new cells like crazy in my ankle!

(note: This week the photos are all downloaded from the internet, rather than my own files,  due to my lack of mobility)    

Interesting week!

What began as  an office visit for ankle pain went on to an MRI and to the discovery that I had some rather major damage to two tendons in my ankle...  ( the result of many years of good mountain hiking! ) Yesterday was my day for surgery,  My surgeon is amazing! He discovered that one tendon was badly damaged and the other one significantly torn - but he sewed them together into one strong tendon.  There were 8 young surgeons who were using me as a learning opportunity - which I thought was cool - So this is what my leg looks like now...

 

For the next several weeks this is my new set of wheels... Pretty great and way better than crutches!!

"It's all in the family"

There is a special bond between blood relatives… Be it the sharing of DNA, of shared history, or faces that look alike .  Families inherit certain ways of talking, behaviors and mannerisms. Learned prejudices, animosities, and expectations can ripple through many generations.  ( Its curious to think that some of my own ways of thinking and doing things have probably passed down from earlier generations long ago…) I know of families that dearly love each other and I know families so torn with conflict that Thanksgiving dinner is a conflict zone. I know of husband and wife families that have been together 60 years, and complicated families with complicated merged families. But when its all said and done the family connection remains.

The universal family

Sunday family dinners were a frequent part of my early childhood  - either with the family of my fathers brother or the family of my mothers sister, often including other non relatives.  I remember these gatherings with pleasure – family stories told and enjoyed, talk of current politics and world events, laughter and sharing of good times. There was cousins to play with, usually a special meal and good dessert… Sometimes in the late afternoon we might make ice cream together or gather around the piano to sing together – especially with my Mothers sister and husband…  

Make a family tree!

There were aunts and uncles from far away who would come to stay for a few days – with the touch of the exotic about them – they might be from Nebraska, Idaho, or far off California.  That was special.  Both my father and mother came from large families which led to a lot of relatives to keep track of.  Letters from far away were read to the whole family and discussed.

Today I feel blessed with close connected with my wife.  my two sons, and my sister... thank goodness for electronic communication with those who live at some distance.

Over my life, with moving and deaths, other  family relation groups have ebbed and flowed. At times, it was easier to meet regularily with some individuals – and more distant once less often.  In some cases there has been no real break in communication – but certain people drift away and after a while it is difficult to know how to reconnect. People change – different beliefs, political parties, social identify… and then it can become a challenge to know now to begin again.

At the present moment my closest extended family isn’t even blood related.  My wife’s extended family  lives mostly on the west coast– but we see each other often.  They may not be genetic kin, but I like them and but they like me  – we are most certainly family.  The people in my church community – people of all ages – form a shared relationship group that has much in common with a blood family.  We care for each other and support each other in times of joy and difficulty.  We share a close relationship that has grown over the years.

Extended family

Still I miss the special bond of the large extended blood relatives that used to gather Sunday afternoons in my youth.  There is something quite remarkable about those who are kin – who know the same people and places, who know the same family stories, family history, family photos.

Phone calls and e mail are a boon to maintaining connection. Facebook is great too.  I greatly enjoy my frequent phone chats with my first cousin who lives near the family farm in Kansas.

My country grade school

He is my only living connection with the people and land where I grew up – I love being reminded of the people that made up my life as a child.  We can both remember his mother's fried chicken and gravy, the story of Uncle John using dynamite to get past cap rock when digging a well, the storm that blew over the big cottonwood tree, picking mulberries from their big tree... and so much more.

Uncle Joes farm - storage buildings where I played as a child, when we visited

Country Post office where my father had a rural delivery route

This last year, thanks to the internet.  I made connection with two distant relatives – in both cases – their grandmother and my Zlatnik grandmother were sisters…. ( I could compute how much DNA we have in common but it would make my head spin to do so…).  I think we are second cousins of some sort… One woman lives in the Czech Republic, the other lives on the East Coast of the US – and they did not know of each other.  Its funny when I made the connection I felt an immediate connection with these two women – because . after all. “they were family”.

Like my family tree

In the texture of my life – I value my family connections.  Whether we agree on every issue or not there is a relationship that matters.